I asked my friend Cindy if she thought she was stubborn and her answer was absolutely yes! I asked my friend Keith if he thought he was stubborn and he said definitely. Many people say they are stubborn, but what is it? Is it a good trait or bad trait? Is it misunderstood?

My friend and editor, Norm, says that I am stubborn. I guess I will find out by the end of this column. I have clients who complain about the stubbornness of their partner’s unwillingness to compromise. Many people confess to being stubborn and say it runs in their family. I can think of quite a few reasons to support that theory.

In my opinion, this subject is important in today’s world. It is important because many are confused and lost concerning their personal power, freedom and uniqueness. One’s right to be. One’s right to think for one’s self. One’s right to not clone, but to fit into this world with others who feel differently. We make it into a big problem because of ignorance, and intolerance but, it does not have to be in theory. Differences frighten many people, and we are often too lazy to work the problem out.

The definition of a stubborn personality is, one who refuses to change their mind about an idea or action. They often refuse to give a clear explanation or reason for their resistance. They take a one-sided view. A stubborn person usually believes their way is right, and they are not easily persuaded to change. A stubborn personality often is afraid and resists change– defending their ideas no matter what. Some feel that their identity will be taken away, or their opinion will be taken for granted and not respected. (More arguments are fought over “my right to be and my right to feel what I feel,” than the subject matter. A stubborn person is often thought to be obstinate, inflexible, disobedient and difficult to manage.

A society of arrogance, stubbornness and selfishness, with “I want what I want attitudes,” without consideration of others, leads this world to where it is today. A world run by egos, greed and the power-hungry will create a society of a few leading the masses away from their freedoms. That kind of society counts on people not wanting to think for themselves, and sets up obstacles for those who do.

In defense of stubbornness as a trait, new studies have found that people who are stubborn and refuse to accept defeat may have a muted gene that makes them bullheaded. Scientist Max Planck says that an estimated one third of the world’s population has this gene, which insures that some people will keep trying, and with determination leads them through hard times.

Free Will is often thought to be the same as stubbornness. I personally do not see it being the same thing. Free will is the willfulness to satisfy one’s own desires and adhere to one’s own opinions (self-esteem). We have the right to think individually, and the right to agree or to disagree without cloning, and being chastised for our differences. Society, made up of individuals with collective thinking, starts out with all of the right intensions. It can get lost and turn into a monster that jeopardizes basic freedoms. There is a great deal to be said about being polite, respectful and conducting ourselves in good-taste, but the idea of not being able to act or say anything for fear of reprisal has a very large price. We are human. We make mistakes. This world is cause and effect and trial and error. We will have differences and that can be healthy.

Many find obedience praiseworthy. It’s a lot easier to deal with. You have to become aware of what and who you are obeying, and make a decision. If what you are doing works, then keep going. If it doesn’t work, then look at it in an honest, clear way and make a decision. If you do not like or agree with someone or something, then make a decision on how you will allow it to affect you. It takes knowing our real self and having the courage to have free will. The world of egos will not support that. The one who dares to separate itself from cult thinking, and come from their own experience, is met with many obstacles. It is the price for freedom.

I had an experience once. I saw this vast ocean. God had an eyedropper and took a drop from the ocean. The Creator gave it a personality (soul). It was unique and unlike any of the other drops but from the same ocean. Then the Source sent the souls out on a journey to discover themselves both to see their uniqueness and to understand the nature of the Source that it came from.

As for my being stubborn, I used to be with certain things. As for Cindy, Keith, myself and the rest of us, we are little unique drops with the access of the whole ocean inside us, trying to find our way back Home with the wisdom learned.

To reach Nancy Barr: nancynlbarr@aol.com

From L.L. in Las Vegas:

I am so confused.  Why is this happening to me?  I feel like God is not hearing me.  I feel depressed and anxious all the time.  I don’t know if I should move out-of-state, or go back with my old boyfriend who has hurt me. I keep trying to hold onto things, even when I don’t have a job.  I am not sure: should I do something different?  I hate to say this, but sometimes I wonder if I want to stay on this planet.  I feel like giving up.

I hear people say they are confused everyday.  We live in a confusing world.  I have said this many times.  What we learned in our beliefs, and concepts, turns out to be very different from what is happening in our life.  Many are suffering from confusion.  If you have the feeling of not wanting to be here, then you should seek the “right” help to sort things out.  The feeling of wanting to escape suffering is normal, but the only way to escape is to recognize the real issues and solve them.  I will write you privately.

The reason I said the “right” help is, if you don’t know the answer, and seek help from someone who does not know the answer, and then there will be two of you confused.  Would you go to someone who does not know how to fly a plane to teach you how to fly?   There are many who are confused leading the confused.  We need to ask the right questions to find the right answers, otherwise the wrong questions lead to more and more questions.

People are overwhelmed today.  We lack clarity and direction.  Confusion is the outcome of misunderstanding and indecision, and trying to make the right choice.  It is a state of mind where we have choices.  We want to make a choice in our best interest and we are not sure just exactly what that is.  We would know the choice if there were no alternatives, but we would not be free to change and expand. There are a number of factors that create confusion, such as aging, disease, drugs and alcohol, a “planned out life” of concepts and conditioning, negative chatter and maybe other entities influence our thinking.

I find that many people who say they are confused are really not.  They know the answer, but they are afraid or don’t want to face the truth.  We can be confused when we try to make a decision before we have explored the situation.  Our mind may go off into “Chatter,” and put us through a series of false information and fantasies.  Chatters purpose is to confuse and misdirect us away from reality.

Life is uncertain and the mind wants certainty.  The mind wants to know everything now!  There is so much stimuli that we have a difficult time wrapping our mind around it all, and, if we are impatient, it can lead to frustration, pain and sometimes danger. There is a word …Changing.  We become aware of “change,” but it is the “ing” that’s the problem.  The “ing” is where options come into play.  What do we do about the change, and how will it affect us?

Conflict may not always be on a conscious level.  We feel something coming and get anxious.  Things don’t add up.  The first step to finding an answer is to become aware.  The next step is “believing” that a certain answer is true.  If you are still anxious and confused, then obviously you haven’t found the right answer yet.  The third step is “knowing.” There is a difference between believing and knowing.  It will usually take a personal experience to know, so you might have to explore your options to get there.  Clarity will not come from an outside source.  You will have to recognize it from within.  It can be directed from outside, but has to be recognized from inside ourselves.

We will go over and over in our confused minds, trying to make sense out of confusion.  The only sense confusion makes is that it does exists.  Confusion will never make sense, and that’s why it is called confusion.  Confusion disappears with the right question and the right answer.

Perceptions and false conditioning leads to confusion, and wisdom clears confusion.  We need to get comfortable with not knowing until we get more knowledge.  Life is a mystery and we don’t always know everything until it appears in the “now,” in this moment.  The past and the future may not hold the right answer in this present situation.  Many decisions can be changed and altered as you learn.  Deep in your heart, you will usually know what is true for you…the word here is: “you.” Live free as a being and not a slave to the mind’s static.

Confusion is like a cloud.  Remember after the clouds blow away, we see the sun shining brightly.

Have a sunny and cloudless week.

If you wish to reach Nancy Barr:  nancynlbarr@aol.com

From EC in CA
Nancy, I have a question.  My friend tells me that I am co-dependent.  I see myself as giving and caring.  I don’t understand what I am doing wrong and why my friends see me as weak?

I have often said, we take our goodness and use it against ourselves.  This is so true with Co-dependency.  Co-dependency is so widespread, many don’t see (or recognize) Much like your self, those involved see themselves as involved see themselves as caring.  What is wrong with that?  Most of us have a few co-dependent characteristics, but co-dependency is considered a character disorder and brings havoc and pain.  It is often associated with addictions, relationships, and causes.

LOVE IS A CHOICE.

A co-dependent person usually focuses on another person and everyone else but themselves.  Often, a person’s emotional needs were not met when they were a child.  They learned not to focus on their own personal needs.  After a period of time, of being emotionally ignored, they became the care-giver to the needy.

In my case, I was taught from a very young age that it was my duty to make people happy, and to be responsible for others.  I was taught this by my father.  Strange as it sounds, I seemed to fit into that role at a very early age, because of my nurturing nature.  I was not taught how to discern when the role was healthy or unhealthy.  I went for years thinking it was my responsibility to fix other people’s problems, when they asked and sacrifice.  I had a twin bother that had problems, and an emotionally immature mother who had been ignored as a child.  I was given the responsibility to take care of their needs, unfortunately at my expense. (the expense of my own at times).  As I got older, I sought out dysfunctional relationships that needed fixing to prove my worth.  My emotional needs were not met, when I chose the emotionally unavailable, and practiced the theme of love, pain, and desertion.  I did not know how to say “no,” and I did not understand that when it hurt me…I should Stop!  I was selfish in my giving, by not allowing others to give to me.  It was a type of control and an excuse to ignore my own issues.  I became the care-giver, seeking strong men who were in a vulnerable time, and needy, in order to prove my self-worth instead of knowing my self-worth.  Most of this happened in romantic relationships, but there was a current that ran through my life of when to say “no,” and not taking on responsibility that was not mine.  I find my story very common in many of us who are nurturers.

Often the co-dependent will seek out relationships that will satisfy their need for emotional pain.  They will be drawn to the unavailable and unhealthy, who will reject and abandon them.  The co-dependent will be terrified of loss, and will often idealize the person, and do anything to keep someone that they want.  Nothing is too much trouble, too much time or too much expense to help.  They will take the blame, be willing to wait, hope, try harder to please, be desperate to control the relationship, and to secure it with a mask of being helpful.

The outcome of being co-dependent is having unsuccessful relationships, fear, low self-esteem, anger, emptiness, and feeling incomplete.  You start to think that you don’t deserve love and happiness.  You must earn it at your expense, only to find out that you will probably lose it anyway.

Characteristics of Codependency:

.   Making decisions based on other people’s opinion.

.   Being a “people pleaser” and helper, so you will be liked.

.   Concentrating on everyone else and not solving your own problems.

.   Worrying about things that you can’t change.

.   Seeking unstable, unavailable, damaging relationships where there is a lack
of balance of give and take.

.   Feeling an unhealthy responsibility for others.  If that person is an adult
there is likely a control and fear issue.

.   Tormented by the way that things were in a dysfunctional family.

.   Master of denial and repression.

.   Angry and upset when people don’t do what you want them to do.

.   Being involved in activities that take up all of your time and energy,
while ignoring yourself.

Setting Boundaries:  (You may get opposition at first.)

Set a limit by saying “NO.”  Tell the truth: you do not feel led to do what someone else wants you to do.  Know when it is wrong for you.  Explain your boundaries politely and firmly.  Be kind, but firm, for it is up to you to make choices, of what is good for you.  State what you can do, and what  feels right to you.

I am not sure if we always have a choice of who we love, but we definitely have a choice of how we handle it.  The one choice we don’t seem to have is a healthy relationship of loving our self and having self-esteem.

Have a peaceful week and love yourself enough to know yourself.

You can reach Nancy at: nancynlbarr@aol.com

A Man takes his wife to the airport.  On the way to the airport, the wife brings up that she wants to remodel the bedroom.  The conversation moves into an argument about money.  The plane that she is on, crashes and the man is left with his memory of his last thoughts and words before his wife boarded the plane. (Survival Guilt)

A married woman meets an attractive man at work.  He shows her attention and becomes her best friend.  One thing leads to another and, they have an affair.  Her husband finds out and divorces her.  The children get involved and she is left with the consequences of the affair.  (Regret Guilt)

A son and daughter-in-law do not remember his mother’s birthday and the mother is so hurt and upset.  With their busy and stressful life, they forgot the date. (Guilt)

A woman put her trust into a relationship.  All of the red-flags were there, and she was still in denial.  The boyfriend dumps her, but not before she has loaned him a great deal of money, believing that they would be married and it would be an investment to their future. (Regret)

Children are taught that God will punish them if they are not good.  (Shame)

A woman acts out in anger, and embarrasses her friend in front of a lot of people by saying very unkind things.  The woman is sorry, and is left trying to put the relationship back together. (Regret)

We have all made mistakes and errors.  No one goes through this life without making mistakes and errors.  A mistake is a wrong response that you thought about and, realized that it was wrong.  The operative word here is “realized.”  Mistakes can be a wrong action attributed to bad judgment or inattention.  Error is a wrong response because you have no knowledge what the right answer would be.  Error is an outcome of ignorance and inexperience.  The difference between mistake and error is what you know or don’t know before you do the action.

We are often taught that it is not natural to make mistakes or errors.  This thought process is perfectionism.  It leads to a lot of misunderstandings and intolerance.  I believe this planet is a school.  Some might call it cause and effect or karma, where we learn from our mistakes and errors.  The trick is to learn!  Once I figured out I would keep getting the same lesson over and over, only harder, I looked for ways to become a good student.

The obstacle creates an opportunity for us to learn what works or doesn’t work.  If my action did not work, then I need to change something.  If my action works and keeps on working, then great!  If, and when, things change, and what I do no longer works,  then I need to make a different decision.

Making mistakes or errors can lead to an emotional merry-go-round of regret, guilt, and shame.

There is no such thing as life without regret.  Regret can become a burden that interferes with your happiness, and restricts your future.  Regret does identify where you think you made a mistake, but needs to be let go of,  by correcting the action in order to avoid it in the future.

Guilt and shame can be negative, paralyzing thoughts that can actually keep us away from the real purpose of realizing, correcting and, not repeating our mistakes.  Guilt is an outcome of what we do, while shame is an outcome of what we think we are.  If we think we are evil, unworthy, and a bad person, we might suffer from shame.

False guilt can be equally destructive.  False guilt is someone who assumes the position of guilt, when they are not responsible for the action.  Examples may be a trauma survivor, or a child who blames himself for the parents divorce.   There is a difference between guilt and emotional quilt.

If you make a mistake, learn from it and make changes so that you don’t have to repeat it.  Then let go of it.  It is the past.

Apologize as soon as you realize your mistake.  Keep it simple and only what your part was.  Don’t use an apology as a second chance to get the last word in and start the fight all over again.

When someone does something to offend someone or hurt them, and are not sincere, they might as well not waste their time apologizing.  We hear insincere apologies all the time, but it does not erase the karma.  There are those who go to a Higher Source, and repent, instead of going to the person themselves.  That does not work.  Go to the person and apologize, and then to a Higher Source to help you not to do it again.  If the person does not accept your sincere apology, then you have made the effort and let it go.

Have a peaceful and fun week.

You can reach Nancy at: nancynlbarr@aol.com

CSC Las Vegas N.V: Nancy, do you think that people are apathetic and indifferent because of all of the media and fear about 2012, and the Mayan calendar ending?  I am a teacher and many of my students do not think they will live past 2012.

CSC: I do believe that we have a huge problem with apathy, indifference, and complacency in our world today.  The 2012 syndrome, may be part of the cause, and influence some people and especially a young child.  For many people, apathy, complacency, and indifference have become a way of life, and many do not even realize it.  I feel the lack of feeling and caring has caused a dangerous and difficult world to live in.  It depends on how they are used.

Passion is a strong, powerful, and a very intense emotion.  We can feel passion towards a life style, sexual attraction, a pursuit, a cause, a choice such as politics, and for those whom we feel are special to us.  With passion there is a strong desire, enthusiasm, amorous, and focus.  For most of us, passion is a wonderful thing.  It makes us feel alive and “human.”  Without feeling, we would be nothing but a “robot.”

Anything extreme can have a “down-side.”  People can inflict their passion on others.  Passion can be an excuse for self-indulgence and self-destruction.  “Crimes of Passion” are a defense in our court system.  If one puts too much extreme emotion into something, be careful that you are not trespassing, turning people off, using tunnel vision, and avoiding other things that need to be dealt with.

Author unknown:

“The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.”

“The opposite of art is not ugliness, it is indifference.”

“The opposite of faith is not heresy, it is indifference.”

Indifference, apathy, and complacency are similar, because they involve a shut-down of emotions.  Indifference is when a person does not care what someone else thinks or does.  Indifference can be both helpful and destructive.

The up-side of indifference is that it allows us to step back temporarily and take a clear look at the situation, without being overly emotional.  It would be impossible if we were emotionally charged with everyone.  We would be unable to focus and prioritize by being too divided.

Indifference can kill a relationship.  Relationships can survive a lot of obstacles, but when a relationship gets to auto-pilot and disinterest, it is difficult to recover.  The indifference hurts because one or both no longer care.  If you are committed, you can survive. There is little arguing, communication, or getting involved with each other’s day, because the person just doesn’t care anymore.  That is a difficult concept to grasp.  How can someone stop caring about me, or how can a parent or child not care about one another?  When emotions shut down, it happens.  If we can catch it soon enough, it is possible to save the relationship.

Apathy and complacency is when we lack enthusiasm, passion, and, interest.

Samael Aun Weor wrote:  “The crime of complacency is not what evil was done, but the good things that were not done.”

There is so much happening in our world today.  It is difficult to digest all of it.  Apathy and complacency are everywhere.  People are burned out at work, and have lost their enthusiasm.  Those who do not have work are struggling not to give up.  Some people have been spoiled and have taken things for granted.  There are companies and businesses that are complacent about safety.  There are companies, governments and groups that have no sense of caring or concern for people.  They care only about their own agendas.  You can walk into restaurants, casinos, almost any service provider, and get halfhearted service–no matter what the price is.  Apathy is in our schools.  Young people sometimes lack interest in receiving an education today, while teachers and administrators are trying to work around all of the mandates that have been given to them.   Schools, prisons, and many service providers, have become a business, where heart of service is replaced by greed.

I could not tell you on a daily basis how many of our soldiers have given up their lives, or how many injuries have taken place.  I pray for them every morning, but one could barely understand what they and their families go through upon their return.

When emotion is absent, there may be animation…empty words and no real caring.  Many are depressed and are dealing with the feeling of futility.

There are some people who are creatively trying to make a difference for the good of this world.  When they go to bed at night, someone, somewhere was glad that person woke-up and made a difference in their life that day.  More people are caring about others, and today they are believing that action does speak louder than words.

Who knows what your contribution is today.  Indifference, apathy, and complacency can be more dangerous than anger and hatred.  At least with the last two, you still have feelings which show you care.

Have a peaceful and caring week.

To reach Nancy Barr:  nancynlbarr@aol.com

A friend of mine went to her computer only to find that her boyfriend did not sign off after using it.  She had been obsessed with what he was doing, and where he was, when he was not with her.  She could not control the temptation of a search through his e-mails.  She found that he had signed up on a dating site.  After reading all of the e-mails and chat messages, she made a decision to “protect” him from these “wicked women,” who were not good for him.  After all, she loved him.  She wrote all of his contacts on the e-mail list, stating he was not interested at this time, and that he was in a serious relationship he wanted to explore.

There are many cell phones checked for revealing messages that would support a jealous person’s fear of possible infidelity.

A child sits at the table watching all of those who used to pay attention to him, now paying attention to his newborn brother. The child secretly hates his baby brother, and these uncomfortable feelings mount into sibling rivalry.

A husband senses a change in his wife’s behavior and repeatedly accuses her of cheating.  He becomes obsessed with her whereabouts.

Another person I know was having a fling with a married man.  She became jealous when his wife was scheduled to come to the condo in Florida, where she had been staying with him.  She was expected to leave.  Before her departure, she placed a few sexy articles where she knew the wife would find them.

A co-worker gets all of the praise and attention for the same work you believe you do better.  You’re afraid she is going to take your clients, and get the promotion you deserve.

Jealousy could be thought of as a warning for something that needs to be fixed, protected, or as a sign of love.  We often confuse jealousy and envy as the same thing, but they are slightly different.

Jealousy is a fear of loss, real or imagined, and a hatred towards that which threatens what you believe is yours.

Havelock Ellis describes jealousy as, “The dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.” Anyone who has read Shakespeare’s Othello knows that he murdered his wife in the belief of unfaithful accusations of infidelity.  Lope de Vega writes, “There is no greater glory than love, nor any greater punishment than jealousy.”

Jealousy is one of the worst and most uncomfortable emotions that creates an environment of destruction.  Under the spell of jealousy, we may do dangerous and “stupid” things.  With jealousy we feel suspicion, anger, fear of loss, sadness, uncertainty, loneliness, distrust, anxiety, lack of being loved, insecurity, hatred and attachment.  Often, it is based on fantasy not facts.  When we are too demanding, controlling, fearful, needy, and lack self-esteem, it sets the scene for vulnerability.  When hatred and fear mix together, there is trouble.

Envy is when I want something that someone else has, and I am afraid I cannot have it for myself. Emotions may start with envy and move into jealousy.

Envy is a feeling of inferiority, longing, resentment, ill-will, guilt, desire, rivalry, selfishness, and disapproval.  You may want what someone else has, and you do not have the self-esteem and confidence to manifest it for yourself.  “The have and the have nots syndrome”

Many are confused about why people are jealous and envious of them.  “Why do you want to hate me?”  Some people may even choose to give up to avoid other people’s jealousy and envy.  That solution will not work for long.

So, what is the solution?  Develop self-esteem.  Find a way of letting go of past painful experiences that are re-running through your life now and influencing you in a negative way.  Realize it is the past and today is a new day.  Don’t let your imagination and fantasy lead you to unproven and false conclusions.  Communicate with the person and face the situation directly before it gets out-of-hand.  Recognize what you are doing and how you are living your life.  Sense the pain of fear and loss, and then deal with those feelings in a healthy way.  Shift from fear to self-improvement.  Build trust.
Instead of burning candles and casting spells to get the person back, develop yourself so he, or she, wants you back.  Think twice before you set someone up to be jealous or to get attention. It could very well backfire.

Why would I want someone who does not want me?  Why would I want to obligate someone to love me?  If someone does not teach and reflect back to me that I matter, then I need to find someone who does.

Have a peaceful and loving week.

If you wish to reach Nancy Barr :  nancynlbarr@aol.com

In my opinion, Loneliness is one of the most misunderstood emotions and experiences.  Loneliness can feel like rejection, isolation, extreme fear, pain, emptiness, separateness, abandonment, worthlessness, anxiousness, depression, and an unlovable experience of suffering.  It is complex and can lead to social disconnection, disease, suicide, dangerous behavior, mental illness, or freedom, liberation, and self-realization.

Once I heard a Spiritual Teacher say, “Pain is a gift.”  At the time I was going through a great deal of pain, loneliness and my reaction was, “yeah right!”  I learned there was truth in that statement.  Pain indicates that something is wrong or out-of-balance.  It needs to be fixed.  The challenge is where the pain originates, is often not the area where it is felt.  In order to delete the pain, you have to work on the real cause of origin.  Loneliness is much the same.  The real cause of loneliness is not what it appears to be.

Loneliness can be triggered because of a loss of a relationship, abandonment, withdrawal from social circles, divorce, move, rejection, events associated with sadness, grief, war, poverty, large urban cities, coping with change, a need for intimacy and companionship, feeling of low self-esteem and vulnerability.

Solitude and loneliness are two different things.  Solitude is healthy and self –esteem is intact.   Loneliness is an unbearable feeling of separation and emptiness.  It is a state where love seems unable to exist.  With loneliness, there may seem to be a social inadequacy, and the person feels that there is something wrong with them.  They may feel that no one understands them and no one cares.  Many lonely people suffer from clinical depression and can be prone to coronary and inflammatory disease.  There are theories that loneliness can be contagious, and we pick it up from others around us.  Who does not understand some kind of despair, resulting from what we see as loss or emptiness, and most of us have experienced loneliness at one time or another?

In loneliness, we have expectations and attachments.  We are tied to a false idea and do not understand change.   When the bottom falls out, we suffer.  I used to think the theme of my life was love, pain and desertion. We have this image and idea of the way things should be, and when it changes, we suffer.  We will do anything to fix it and, when we realize the change cannot be fixed, we refuse to change our beliefs.  We shut down in despair, depression and loneliness.

Many people are going through grief.  During difficult times, relationships struggle.  When we are feeling vulnerable, we search for anything or anyone that can fix us.

Many lonely seniors and children feel vulnerable.  People are so busy trying to survive, that children and seniors are often overlooked, and suffer from isolation and separation.

Self-esteem can be improved.  We can learn to adjust and accept change.  Friendships and intimacy can be reestablished.  We can let go of fears of being alone, dying alone, and welcome our solitude and still be socially connected.  With the courage to change our attitude, our feeling of isolation and rejection are fixable.

So how is loneliness misunderstood?  Loneliness is not a problem –attachment is.  (I wrote on attachment in a previous column).  Loneliness is nothing to be solved –it’s something to be experienced and accepted.  If you continue to feel lonely, you are looking for your Real Self.  This is not based on what others think and who they think you are, but, who you really are.

You can be around others, even in a crowd and still be lonely.  You can have a great relationship, but you can still feel lonely.  No one can fix this kind of loneliness but you!  You can’t escape it.  You can’t avoid it.

Suggestions on how to do that:

. Have the courage to see your self based on nothing or no one…just you.

Remember at birth, we are born one at a time­-alone.

. Connect spiritually to yourself.  Ask, pray, meditate.  Self-realization is

inside of you: that is why it is self-realization. Cease to look for outside

people and things to save you.  They can help but not save.

. Slow down…that’s what loneliness is trying to get you to do.  Look

within, instead of being so busy with distractions.  Ryokan, a Japanese poet said, “If you want to find the meaning, stop chasing after so many things”.

. Trying to escape from yourself won’t work.

. Be in the present, not the past or worried about the future. Remember if

you have a plan, the dark side knows what it is too.  The Higher Power is in the present.

. Counseling with the lying “chatter,” is going to keep you going in circles.

Go to Truth, and be honest, and you will see the incredible person you really are.  Remember, the lost get found.

Letting go of attachment of who we thought we were can be painful, until you find what you let go of just freed you.

Have a peaceful and real experience about yourself.

If you wish to contact Nancy: nancynlbarr@aol.com

A healthy Self-esteem is essential for well-being. Confidence in ourselves and adequate consideration of others is not only the Spiritual way, but, is a necessity for living in harmony. There is a reason why it was said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” A controller cannot do that. Where fear, selfishness and greed dominate a person, or a group’s personality, the need to control will exist.

This week I want to continue with the theme of Control Issues. When control is extreme, such as in narcissism, manipulation, bullying and brainwashing, it can be dangerous and hurtful and self-serving. This column will deal with Narcissism.

Ref: Phyd.CSTW, Thomas Shumaker:

Narcissism: The Greek myth Narcissus looked into a pool and was en-captured by his own image and beauty and fell in love with his own reflection.

Having a good self-image, accepting ourselves in a loving positive way, and developing our potential to be our very best, is what we should be striving for. With the Narcissist, it is taken to an extreme and no one else exists. Some might use the word “conceited.” Once again, there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy self-image and attitude.

I have not had a lot of people who I would call a narcissist in my personal life but I have met a few. They are talented and perhaps have a genius IQ. At first, they make a great impression. They are knowledgeable, articulate, often successful, but anxious and full of doubt. They are difficult personalities to maintain relationships with. The narcissist has a grandiose and manufactured sense of self.

They are the “chosen few” in their mind. Narcissists have exaggerated and grandiose need for admiration, self-importance, and self-involvement. Because of childhood demands to over achieve and indulgence, the narcissist never develops a realistic sense of themselves. They may take on a snobbish, arrogant and superior attitude, believing others are inferior to them. A Narcissist seldom shows empathy and seldom can identify with your thoughts and needs. If the narcissist does not get outside approval, they are very unhappy and discontented.

The narcissist thinks their problems are unique and can only be appreciated by a certain elite few. They expect others to recognize their superiority. They may expect unquestioning commitment and obedience, and will reject furiously anyone who does not support their view.

They blame others and feel that others have let them down. The narcissist is often in denial and has a real need to be seen as “perfect.” They need everything for themselves and can show jealousy and competitiveness towards other peoples’ accomplishments and possessions. No one is as smart or knows as much as the narcissist and you better agree.

They will not accept criticism or disapproval or take responsibility for their actions. Appearance, fame, wealth, beauty, status, bragging and boasting is a part of a demeanor. There is nothing wrong with most of those characteristics until we become obsessed. If you have something they want, they may cater to you, but will eventually show their colors when you have nothing else to offer up to them. Yes, I am saying they may use you for their own selfish reasons.

It is not easy to change anyone, especially the narcissist. I believe everyone can change, but they would have to look honestly at themselves, and most would think that I am writing about someone else.

There are many famous Narcissists. They demand adoration or else there would be hell to pay. You get to adore, and they return dominance, manipulation, sarcasm, and disrespect to insure that you are not as perfect as they are.   A Narcissist’s talent and gifts may make it worth the effort of dealing with their personality flaws, but if you do not have a good self-image, and are not secure in your own right, a narcissist can be a challenge. Perhaps it brings meaning to “it is all in the eyes of the beholder.”

I have had the privilege to meet many talented, successful, beautiful, and maybe a few well-known people. Some have been able to stay human and humble in spite of all of their fans and fame. They may have had personal problems like everyone else but, many do really nice things for others, and use “who” they are in a positive way. They had no need to exploit or have their good deeds become known.

After reading this column, if you are wondering if you are a hardcore narcissist, you aren’t! They see themselves as perfect and probably would be thinking of everyone else.

Have a wonderful peaceful and confident week.

If you wish to contact Nancy: nancynlbarr@aol.com

Last week I started the series on Control Issues. Unfortunately, most of the article did not get published and I did not realize it. Interestingly, the topic was on control. My friend Cindy said, “Well at least you don’t have control issues”!

We all have a need to take control over our life.  If we don’t, someone else does.  There are aspects of our life that are not in our control, but we can control how we approach the problem.  Even a young child learns quickly to manipulate to gain control of their wants and desires.  What parent hasn’t held their breath with a child’s temper tantrum?  The child needs to learn an appropriate way to express that desire, and the parent decides if the desire should and can be fulfilled.  The experience that we have as a child can determine and influence our behavior from that point on.  There are people who do not learn the healthy way to discern power and healthy control over their lives.

We need to get our needs met.  We need to be recognized.  We need to have a healthy self-esteem.  We need to be free to express ourselves and feel safe.  We need to have partnerships that are “give and take” and not one-sided.  That is why it is called partnership.  These needs may seem obvious, but for many, this is not their reality.  The more anxiety we have in our lives, the more the sense to control.  The more exaggerated it is in our mind, the more desperate the need to control becomes.  Many of these defense mechanisms start in childhood and continue into adulthood.

The Selfish or Self-Centered:

The selfish person acts in their own interest.  They think in ways of their own pleasure, and well-being, with little regard to others.  The self-centered person sees themselves as the focal point, and the world is centered around them.  The Selfish may focus more on themselves then on others.  The self–centered and selfish do not always take time to understand, or look at the other person’s point–of–view or feelings.  They may be very concerned with their image and material things.  While they are easy to find, they are not always easy to spot.  The selfish and self-centered are often very personable and successful.  After a time, you may realize that they are only concerned in getting their needs met.  They are often partners with those who take care of others and not themselves.  Some of the selfish and self-centered can be intolerant, reckless and rude.  They are the “world” and everything revolves around them.

The problem you may have is that you might be tempted to give up on yourself and not get your needs met.

The Control Freak:

The Control Freak is fueled by anxiety.  They have a severe need to control themselves and others, in order to control their environment.  Indirectly, they send a message that you are incompetent, and can not be trusted on your own.  Their purpose is to defend themselves against the deep anxiety they feel.  It’s a “management tool”.  Controlling others gives them a temporary peace of mind.  It is not real because it does not solve the problem, but makes problems for those they are trying to control.

The control freak will induce fear by the suggestion of loss.  If you don’t do what they want, then something really bad is going to happen.  They know best!  They must assert themselves to feel in control and, if they can not achieve the control, they may become agitated, angry depressed, overwhelmed and panicky.

According to Thomas Shumacker, PSY DRCSW., the control freak will insist on having their own way, or else there will be consequences to pay.  They have a set agenda.  They often have traits of perfectionism, orderliness, phobias, and an inability for others to see their flaws.  They are terrified of being vulnerable.  It gives them a sense of order.  The control freak is often critical of themselves and others.  Decisions all have to go through the “controllers.” The control freak creates someone who will be addicted to them, and puts others in a position of walking on “eggshells,” assuring you that they have your best interest at heart.

If you have a Control Freak in your life, you must learn to set boundaries and take responsibility for your decisions.  If it’s a parent /child relationship, then the control freak is not doing the child any favors by not empowering them to make good choices and to become strong.  Perhaps, waiting until you are asked for your opinion is a good idea.  Having respect for others is important.  Dealing with your own anxiety and fears without imposing them on to others is important.  Control freaks are not easy to live with, or to be around, but their hearts are usually good, even if mislead.

Next week, I will cover the more dangerous kinds of control disorders.

Have a peaceful and restful week.

You can contact Nancy at: nancynlbarr@aol.com

Editors Note: Last week half of this particular column was left sitting on the editors desk, therefore, “Control Issues” was not complete. We are running the entire column this week.

CONTROL ISSUES

I was speaking with a friend of mine about her control issues.  The issue of “Control” has been on my mind for quite a while.  This is not an easy subject, because it affects all of us in different ways, beginning with our Personal Self-Esteem, Relationships, Work, Politics, Global matters, and Spirituality. Control issues start with the individual, and ripple outward. But the scary thing is, the “outward ripple” comes back at the individual in an alarming way.  Will problems be solved by the individual, a few, mass consciousness, natural events, or spiritually? Is control the opposite of freedom?  How do we live together in Harmony with so many variables and in a time of crisis?
I think most of us would agree, we live in a time where maintaining a sense of being and maintaining control of our lives is not easy.  Every day something or someone makes decisions that affect our lives, and much of it is unseen at first.  A friend, who has beach property in the Florida Keys, and many others, are worried about the oil spill that endangers our Coasts.  Many of us were unaware that the potential problem existed.  I recently heard about a nursing home where people were asked not to pray openly before their meals.  I guess it would depend on how one views that subject, but those involved seem to have lost control to do what they want to do.  Loss of control one feels when losing a job, and the chain of events that happens from that point on, is an every day reality for many.
Control issues that arise from raising children, in a world that has changed, are continuously cropping up.  Control dealing with efforts to keep a relationship together, in harmony in the midst of chaos, when partners are individually moving in different directions, or having separate agendas, and getting their individual needs met, is just one example.  All of us have control issues in our lives.  The world has gotten “smaller,” and what happens affects all of us in a way that has not been known before.  I feel that understanding the issue of Control is important because it will identify the source and the purpose that channels it.
As a visionary, I saw the “911” disaster happening, 20 years before it came to pass.  I was in an elevator going to the restaurant at the “Top of The World,” in one of the Towers, when the future was shown to me.  I won’t go into fine detail at this time (I will, however, write about the experience and others in later columns), but I was shown what was going to happen to the towers, and how it was going to change everything.  There are many global and political topics that deal with control.
I want to start first with the individual.  There is a difference between control and responsibility.  Many do not want to take responsibility for their decisions and their lives.  We would often rather blame or let someone else do things for us.  What price do we pay?  How much of ourselves and our potential do we not discover?  Do we lose freedom and our “right to be”? Obviously, with so many living so close together, can everyone do whatever they want and affect others in a negative way? If so, would that not be Chaos?  Taking responsibility for our lives is the mature thing to do, and is necessary for self growth and development.
There are two types of control. Taking control of our lives and not being a “puppet” to others or to negative situations, is one. That means taking responsibility. The other is the need to dominate another. Fixing a problem  often give the excuse for gaining control. A person is not respected or trusted to be who they really are, but they become the focus of the controller  who thinks they always know best.  Individual rights, and opinions, are met with opposition and consequences.
Who and what are the controllers?  According to Thomas Shumaker, PSY  DRCSW, a Controller is someone, or a group, that gives the excuse for gaining control.  There is a need for a controller to run the show and to call all the shots.
With a Controller, if you don’t do what they want, there are often negative consequences, and you will know very quickly they are unhappy.  The controller often is perceived to have your best interest at heart.  They want to be seen in a certain way.  Appearance is often important to make them feel good.
A few common names of control disorders are: Self-Centered, Self –Absorbed, Control Freak, Stress and Anxiety syndromes, Neat Freak, Bully, Obsessive Compulsive, Repetition Compulsion, Super-Mom, Workaholic, Perfectionist, Phobias, Narcissists, and Sadistic.
We all have experienced some of these traits, and have been affected by others with the same tendencies.  The common ingredient is: the fear of being vulnerable.  It is a lack of trust that other people can keep us safe. We must control the situation at all costs.  The controller can not stand when someone does not do something “right,” according to their standards. The controller does not recognize another’s experience. There is a definite need to be taken seriously. You either feel a need to control your own environment or control someone else’s.  The need to control is usually justified in the eyes of the controller; therefore it gives license to dominate.
In the next column, I will briefly cover the disorders and solutions.  Most of us have a small need to control.  Some have the opposite need, to not take control of their lives, to the point that they become the victim of the controllers. Both extremes cause problems and can be dangerous.  I believe Freedom is important, but so is harmony and the rights of others.  It is tricky, but there is a way to tell what is healthy and what is not.  So until next week…

Have a peaceful and prosperous week!
Nancy Barr can be reached:
nancynlbarr@aol.com