Jan B Seattle, WA:

Nancy, what do you think about what’s happening with our world?  The world seems to be in so much trouble everywhere.  I have read a lot of books, and I hear this world called an “Illusion,” and I do not understand what that means.  It seems real enough to me?

Jan, I wrote on this subject 25 years ago.  I sat down and just started writing.  I have never published it or showed it to the general public, because, at the time, it seemed so negative.  I was concerned with stating what people did not want to hear.  I think it’s time to bring it out in the open, and let people decide for themselves–if what I channelled 25 years ago has merit.

Channeled by Nancy Barr:

This world has been said to be an “Illusion,” yet most do not understand what that means.  The human being continues to go around and around in suffering and despair, much like a dog chasing its tail.   Many repeat the same errors of insanity and confusion, not understanding that confusion will never make sense…that is why it is called confusion.

What is the problem?

Today, many children live in fear of just staying alive long enough to get to school and home again.  All over the world, parents have to be concerned when their children go out to play, will they return?  A child’s greatest nightmare of the “boogieman,” has now become a reality, and the child is not safe, even in his own room.  No one can protect them, not even in their own home with parents near by.  In some cases, who protects the children or the parents from one another?  Our concepts are being broken down like blocks scattering when a child kicks them, and we wonder why.

The Illusion and Insanity:

In this “sleepwalk” that we think is reality, the confused are leading the confused.  The fearful are trying to bring peace to those in fear.  The angry are trying to settle differences with the angry.  The false prophets are trying to bring truth to the false.  The spiritually bankrupt are trying to bring faith, hope and guidance to the “sinners.”  Those with hearts of “ice” are teaching and effecting people’s lives.  We hand our money over to those who are greedy, and we empower those who are selfish. We fame the deviant and the misguided.  We treasure that which is false and we hate what is true.  We think that misery and negativity is “normal,” and we are suspicious of joy and love.  We insist on our differences and ignore our similarities.  In our cities, we used to step over a piece of gum on a sidewalk, now we step over people on the street.  Once cardboard boxes were containers for gifts and packages; now they are used for make-shift dwellings for the homeless.  We find thousands of reasons to war, when our hearts really seek peace.  We try to love others when we hate ourselves.  In war, a child is forced to dig his grave, and his insane-driven mother finds the only sanity is that war will never bring peace.  Once “colors” represented the pride of schools, and now they may represent the anger of gangs.

Today, not only is personal security not guaranteed, but jobs and financial security is quickly becoming a thing of the past.  Industry and technology are moving at such a fast pace that the human heartbeat is being removed.  A few control the machines, and the machines control the masses.  The banks own the government and the government owns the people.  Politicians tell us “what the people want,” but most do not have a clue to what we need.  Instead of serving the “people,” many often serve the “power” that turns us into slaves and risks our freedom to exist.  In the most poverty-stricken countries, there seems to be money and power for war, while masses starve and lives are torn apart.  We chase everything we can, even destruction, in order to hide and cover up our pain.  We seek happiness and joy, yet we live in despair.  We long for love, but we are attached to hate and discord.  We trust those who betray us and we shun the faithful.  In our attachment to our own image, we clone our weaknesses, and deny our differences that lead to growth.  We ask questions that we don’t really want answers to, and, are too frightened to ask for what we need to know.  We acquaint stability with ways of the past, and fear the change that leads us out of stagnation.  We are afraid to live and we are afraid to die.  Fear and judgment are taught in the name of God.  We judge what we did not create, and refuse responsibility for what we did create.

It is difficult to know what to expect.  The “rules” keep changing and we don’t even see the changes coming, before it hits us.  People today are so busy trying to survive; they are too overwhelmed and lose the ability to deal with the real problems.  There is the threat of earth changes that challenge our survival and, we are unprepared, trusting agencies to help and save us when they are incapable–or simply do not care.

If all of this bothers you, it should!  If you do not feel that you are a part of all of this, than perhaps you have walked out of the “Illusion,” and will not be caught up in its insanity. The pretense has to come to an end so that we can live in joy. Freedom is one of our greatest gifts.  I want to know where the love is.  Hidden in the Illusion, are the secrets and the answers, much like a children’s coloring book–where the hidden objects have to be found.  It’s up to people to decide if they want to be aware and conscious, or asleep, vulnerable and a slave in this Illusion.  It is time to wake-up!  I want to know where the truth is.  God put it in our heart to know. But the Illusion is outside with time running out.

Have a conscious and loving week, where you are in control of your world, instead of the world controlling you.

To reach Nancy Barr:  “mailto:nancynlbarr@aol.com” nancynlbarr@aol.com

I learned some of the principles of abundance the hard way.  I was taught that I was here to serve mankind, but not to make money.  It helped me to be more creative while trying to survive, but it was not logical.  If I had known then, what I know now, I would have thought differently.  I would have chosen the same professions, but I would have had a different attitude, and I would not see money as an evil thing.  For years, I had a difficult time charging for my services, and it was not because I did not value my service, but because I believed in the lack of abundance.

With the right attitude, you may have fewer obstacles in your career, feel less stress, be more focused and open for opportunities.

Part of the following, are the teachings taken from a living Buddha, Master Dechan Jueren, 49th lineage holder of the Hunmi Mystery School of Healing.

With Luck, one must practice the right virtue and merit.  It is not only giving to others, as my father taught me, it is holding yourself to higher standards, and to know it is your inherent right to have abundance and your needs met.  The more you help others, the more accomplishments you will have.  Helping others is my destiny.  One must learn tolerance and forgiveness.  The more resources, the more one can help others.  With the practice of virtue and merit, you will get more chances.  When you think of obtaining wealth, think of wealth for yourself and others.

First you have to turn your heart around.  You must seek for yourself first.  It takes heart to overcome obstacles, which I had, but not the knowledge of how not to be my own obstacle.

The obstacles that we face are: hindrances that come up to distract us from focusing on the problem, internal obstacles such as family and moods, external obstacles which are all of the things “out there,” natural disasters, deviant evil obstacles, and my reflection of creating my own obstacles and limitations.

One must know the types of obstacles in order to avoid them.  If you are able to see it, you will be able to resolve it.  When you are able to resolve your obstacles, then you will not have them.  One must overcome our own inner animal instincts and unwanted desires.

Unwanted desires and animal nature: killing and stealing from others, laziness, evil obstacles, lack of compassion and tolerance, hatred of ourselves and others.

First ask, why is this happening to me?  What is the purpose and the lesson here?  Have I been disrespectful to myself or others?  Have I lied and been deceitful?  Have I been co-dependent and hurt myself doing for others what they need to do for themselves?  Do I respect elders and my teachers?  Do I treat children well?  Do I know how to separate and discern evil forces that affect me?  How much do I waste?  Do I waste food, time, resources and opportunities?  How much do I do against my own conscience?  Do I respect all life and nature?  How much have I changed in order to line up with the changing world?  Have I managed my money well?  Am I stingy, wasteful, or use money to serve my needs?  Do I see money as power to manipulate people?  Do I base my self-worth on the material world, or am I worthy with or without money?

Ways to avoid obstacles:

1.  Know that it is okay to make mistakes.  Reflect and know why you made the mistake, and find ways to correct them.  It may be as simplistic as making a different decision and changing your actions.

2.  Take a step back and look at the situation.  (This may cause you      to feel uncomfortable.) The ego wants us to act compulsively before we have a chance to figure it out.

3.  If you want to have harmony and peace, you must develop
Tolerance, and yet manage your life in a way that works for
you.  Tolerance is understanding without judgment, and
managing is deciding how you want to deal with the situation.

Do you stand by watching and complaining without doing something about the situation?  Do you blame others for your problems?   Do you listen to the “chatter” of the lying ego, instead of your heart?  Do you deny your own right and power to have your life in abundance?  Do you live in fear and submission?  Do you focus on the outside world of chaos instead of going to a Higher Source for your own answers?  Do you believe in luck, and that you are undeserving?  Are you attached to the material world making you a slave to it, rather than material things serving you?  Are you afraid if you have wealth and abundance, you will lose yourself in ego, greed and vice?  Are you unaware of the unseen, evil forces that come against you, which you need to manage and block?  Have you grown up with attitudes and teachings of others, that don’t fit your heart and lifestyle?  Are you using money for destructive purposes?  Do you know what your life purpose is?  Do you like what you do?  Are you asking the right questions to get the right answers?

Stress causes disease and lack of abundance.  Lack of love for yourself and others are barriers to abundance.  Lack of knowing the basic principles cause the separation of you and the material world.  Change yourself, and you will change the obstacles, and then the outcome.  Remember that the Devine is not poor and neither are Its creations!

Next column will focus on Luck and why mean people seem to have more money.  Have a loving and abundant week.

If you would like to reach Nancy: nancynlbarr@aol.com

Abundance is an interesting and frustrating issue right now. It means many things: financial, emotional, spiritual, physical, and is a major stress we face every day in our world at this moment. While I don’t think it’s news to most, I do think that abundance is misunderstood by many.

We have learned to look to the outside world, companies, and other people for our abundance. What the outside world has taught us through experience, observation, and dogma, is the “way it is supposed to be,” and how we should feel about ourselves. Dogma has set us up. How many people thought they had a handle on their abundance, only to have the “rug” pulled out from under them? How many people thought they were protected in their retirement, and that investments would stretch to serve their needs, only to find it was not what they hoped for? How many people would never have thought of missing house payments, and walking away from their homes? Many responsible people have not been able to pay their bills on time, or not at all. We have been taught that people who are in this situation are bad, irresponsible, lazy, unlucky and someone else, not us.

When we experience our attachment to the material world, and it’s not going in the direction we want it to, we become stressed. Stress creates disease. Disease creates weakness and vulnerability, which creates a breakdown in the family, community and world. It is a domino effect, and most of us are confused on how to handle it. One difference is that this problem is world-wide. Crime has increased. Self-esteem suffers and a feeling of unworthiness and hopelessness takes over. The ego (chatter) tells us that we are victims, and how unfair all of this is, and in some way it truly is. We go back and forth, blaming others and ourselves with the endless circle of worry, but that doesn’t lead to a solution.

In this country, many of us have been spoiled. Being unable to feed our children feels the same, whether you live in Africa, Europe, the Middle-East, South America or on another planet. Survival is a natural instinct no matter where, who and what you are.

Some people seem to be naturally lucky, or sense towards abundance, while others of us have struggled with this issue. While growing up, I was not encouraged to make money. My father taught me, from early childhood, money could be greed, and I was here to help people not work for money. He encouraged me to be a nurse or a teacher. The idea was to work hard for others, and personal gain was not the intent. I worked hard in high school and college, saving my money to pay for my education. Tuition was affordable then. Today, students or parents are paying a life-time salary just to get educated. Many are in debt before they even start working in their field, much less finding a job when they graduate. Now some colleges and universities have cut-back to the extent that students can not take the required courses they need to graduate. Careers, which used to pay the “big bucks,” are now challenged. Who would ever think that doctors, entertainers and major corporations, would be having financial difficulties?

Living in Las Vegas has been very interesting. I have seen people move here with the idea of the “promised land.” The attraction may have been the entertainment industry, real estate investments, retirement, and companies relocating here for tax benefits. Maybe some came with the idea of gambling or vice, thinking Vegas would provide what they needed or wanted. I’ve seen businesses close down; houses vacated; hopes and dreams shattered and, people moving away as fast as they came, searching for a better solution. Some have survived here, and some did not do so well. It’s not about failure, but more about taking risks.

Through the years of experiencing all kinds of perceived loss and gain, I have learned a few things. Abundance is the power of attraction like the Secret teaches. However, from my experience, it involves more than just attraction. I have always had the power to manifest, but not always the knowledge to make the money, which would provide the freedom I desired to do what I needed to do. I could blame my father, divorce, myself, God, but I am a grown up, spiritual being that still had a glitch in my attitude about money.

I had abundance in many areas. But first I had lessons to learn. I realize now that the Eternal Creator is not poor. Until I accepted the fact that I had to love myself unconditionally, not based on my work, material and circumstances, I would continue to believe in loss.

Money is a powerful tool. It is power and freedom. It is not who I AM, but it does make things easier to survive and to get my work done, which enables me to help others.

I once had an experience that told me, “there will be those who lose far more than I would lose”…It confused me when my son, family, friends passed away, houses, finances, and relationships disappeared. I now realize it is my spiritual understanding that has kept me from feeling loss. The material changes and, often when I kept the faith, things reappeared in a better way. I found the real pain was when I lost myself, and the freedom to be who I am.

In my next column, I will write about how to turn some of the obstacles into positives, so that we can learn our lessons and have a better chance of manifesting our needs.

Have a loving week.

To reach Nancy Barr: nancynlbarr@aol.com

In today’s world, there is so much confusion, it is difficult to hold on to peace and clarity.  I hear people express doubt.  They feel things will never get “better” for them.  “Chatter” comes into our mind when we are at our lowest point, and tells us how hopeless things are.  Then doubt sets in and starts to unravel our confidence and trust.  There are two sides to most things, and questioning can be a good thing.  Doubt is not all bad, and it depends on the source of where we get our information, whether it is helpful or a hindrance.  So how does one get clarity?  First, we need to understand where clarity resides and the process of getting from doubt to trust.

Doubt is defined as disbelief, uncertainty, unsure of fact, action, motive or decision, hesitation to believe, apprehension, and distrust.  Doubt is uncomfortable, yet it allows us an opportunity to search for the right answer.  We are often too lazy and frightened to go through the process to understand what we don’t know.  We take other peoples solutions and beliefs instead of having our own experience until we are forced into it.   Because of this changing world, we will eventually be challenged with what we believe.

Doubt is the best means of competing and building controversy.  Doubt provides a level of uncertainty.  We see this in many forms– from politics, religion, science, relationships, policies, and from the chatter within ourselves.  Doubt happens frequently and painfully.  This world is always changing and we need to make changes to keep up.  When we do not see how world changes, and the effect it has on us, we will face confusion and doubt.

Doubt will happen until we recognize answers for ourselves that bring peace, and not the solution of others.

Trust is the foundation and the floor that we stand on.  This is when we realize the power within ourselves.  It is the peace that comes from Knowing.

The Process of Trust and Faith taken from A Course in Miracles:

Period of Undoing:
This is often a painful time, because of attachments and concepts.  There is an appearance of things being taken away and a feeling of lost.  We start to recognize what is valuable or valueless.  There are many outside changes until we internally recognize the lessons.  When we recognize the changes are helpful, then we go to the next step.

Period of Sorting:
We must decide if the changes help or hamper us in our life.  We often find what we used to value, needed to change.  The old concept now hampers us from what we need in our new situations.  It takes learning to appreciate that all events, circumstances, and new situations are now helpful.  We should keep the helpful part that is still valuable, and get rid of what no longer meets our needs.

Period of Relinquishment:
We give up egos desire (it can cause enormous conflict).  We may feel that we are being asked to give up our own best interest for Truth.  (This is impossible because we can only give up what has no value.)  Instead of grief, we will find relief and lightheartiness.  If we do what is asked of us, we will find a gift bestowed.

Period of Settling Down:
This is a quiet, restful and more peaceful time.  This is a time to pause and focus on keep what we value, and get rid of what we don’t want.  We now are joined with others (Company of Like Consciousness) that are going in the same direction before we go on.  We will not be alone.

Period of Unsettling:
We realize that we were not capable of disguising what was valuable or not valuable before.  We only know we want value.  The concept of sacrifice made it difficult for us to sort out the truth, and now we realize that we need to lay judgment aside and ask inside.  We are moving away from the concepts and attachment of old beliefs that no longer serve us today.

Period of Achievement:
The lesson has been recognized.  There is a change from confusion and beliefs, to knowing.  The knowing is something we can count on, even in emergencies as well as in peaceful times.  The learning has become consistent.  We now have moved into trust.

I have gone through this process many times during my journey. I have worked my way out of suffering into peace, and peace comes only from a knowing inside.  If you want out of doubt…ask the right questions and you will get the right answers.

If you would like to reach Nancy Barr:  “email to  nancynlbarr@aol.com

I asked my friend Cindy if she thought she was stubborn and her answer was absolutely yes! I asked my friend Keith if he thought he was stubborn and he said definitely. Many people say they are stubborn, but what is it? Is it a good trait or bad trait? Is it misunderstood?

My friend and editor, Norm, says that I am stubborn. I guess I will find out by the end of this column. I have clients who complain about the stubbornness of their partner’s unwillingness to compromise. Many people confess to being stubborn and say it runs in their family. I can think of quite a few reasons to support that theory.

In my opinion, this subject is important in today’s world. It is important because many are confused and lost concerning their personal power, freedom and uniqueness. One’s right to be. One’s right to think for one’s self. One’s right to not clone, but to fit into this world with others who feel differently. We make it into a big problem because of ignorance, and intolerance but, it does not have to be in theory. Differences frighten many people, and we are often too lazy to work the problem out.

The definition of a stubborn personality is, one who refuses to change their mind about an idea or action. They often refuse to give a clear explanation or reason for their resistance. They take a one-sided view. A stubborn person usually believes their way is right, and they are not easily persuaded to change. A stubborn personality often is afraid and resists change– defending their ideas no matter what. Some feel that their identity will be taken away, or their opinion will be taken for granted and not respected. (More arguments are fought over “my right to be and my right to feel what I feel,” than the subject matter. A stubborn person is often thought to be obstinate, inflexible, disobedient and difficult to manage.

A society of arrogance, stubbornness and selfishness, with “I want what I want attitudes,” without consideration of others, leads this world to where it is today. A world run by egos, greed and the power-hungry will create a society of a few leading the masses away from their freedoms. That kind of society counts on people not wanting to think for themselves, and sets up obstacles for those who do.

In defense of stubbornness as a trait, new studies have found that people who are stubborn and refuse to accept defeat may have a muted gene that makes them bullheaded. Scientist Max Planck says that an estimated one third of the world’s population has this gene, which insures that some people will keep trying, and with determination leads them through hard times.

Free Will is often thought to be the same as stubbornness. I personally do not see it being the same thing. Free will is the willfulness to satisfy one’s own desires and adhere to one’s own opinions (self-esteem). We have the right to think individually, and the right to agree or to disagree without cloning, and being chastised for our differences. Society, made up of individuals with collective thinking, starts out with all of the right intensions. It can get lost and turn into a monster that jeopardizes basic freedoms. There is a great deal to be said about being polite, respectful and conducting ourselves in good-taste, but the idea of not being able to act or say anything for fear of reprisal has a very large price. We are human. We make mistakes. This world is cause and effect and trial and error. We will have differences and that can be healthy.

Many find obedience praiseworthy. It’s a lot easier to deal with. You have to become aware of what and who you are obeying, and make a decision. If what you are doing works, then keep going. If it doesn’t work, then look at it in an honest, clear way and make a decision. If you do not like or agree with someone or something, then make a decision on how you will allow it to affect you. It takes knowing our real self and having the courage to have free will. The world of egos will not support that. The one who dares to separate itself from cult thinking, and come from their own experience, is met with many obstacles. It is the price for freedom.

I had an experience once. I saw this vast ocean. God had an eyedropper and took a drop from the ocean. The Creator gave it a personality (soul). It was unique and unlike any of the other drops but from the same ocean. Then the Source sent the souls out on a journey to discover themselves both to see their uniqueness and to understand the nature of the Source that it came from.

As for my being stubborn, I used to be with certain things. As for Cindy, Keith, myself and the rest of us, we are little unique drops with the access of the whole ocean inside us, trying to find our way back Home with the wisdom learned.

To reach Nancy Barr: nancynlbarr@aol.com

From L.L. in Las Vegas:

I am so confused.  Why is this happening to me?  I feel like God is not hearing me.  I feel depressed and anxious all the time.  I don’t know if I should move out-of-state, or go back with my old boyfriend who has hurt me. I keep trying to hold onto things, even when I don’t have a job.  I am not sure: should I do something different?  I hate to say this, but sometimes I wonder if I want to stay on this planet.  I feel like giving up.

I hear people say they are confused everyday.  We live in a confusing world.  I have said this many times.  What we learned in our beliefs, and concepts, turns out to be very different from what is happening in our life.  Many are suffering from confusion.  If you have the feeling of not wanting to be here, then you should seek the “right” help to sort things out.  The feeling of wanting to escape suffering is normal, but the only way to escape is to recognize the real issues and solve them.  I will write you privately.

The reason I said the “right” help is, if you don’t know the answer, and seek help from someone who does not know the answer, and then there will be two of you confused.  Would you go to someone who does not know how to fly a plane to teach you how to fly?   There are many who are confused leading the confused.  We need to ask the right questions to find the right answers, otherwise the wrong questions lead to more and more questions.

People are overwhelmed today.  We lack clarity and direction.  Confusion is the outcome of misunderstanding and indecision, and trying to make the right choice.  It is a state of mind where we have choices.  We want to make a choice in our best interest and we are not sure just exactly what that is.  We would know the choice if there were no alternatives, but we would not be free to change and expand. There are a number of factors that create confusion, such as aging, disease, drugs and alcohol, a “planned out life” of concepts and conditioning, negative chatter and maybe other entities influence our thinking.

I find that many people who say they are confused are really not.  They know the answer, but they are afraid or don’t want to face the truth.  We can be confused when we try to make a decision before we have explored the situation.  Our mind may go off into “Chatter,” and put us through a series of false information and fantasies.  Chatters purpose is to confuse and misdirect us away from reality.

Life is uncertain and the mind wants certainty.  The mind wants to know everything now!  There is so much stimuli that we have a difficult time wrapping our mind around it all, and, if we are impatient, it can lead to frustration, pain and sometimes danger. There is a word …Changing.  We become aware of “change,” but it is the “ing” that’s the problem.  The “ing” is where options come into play.  What do we do about the change, and how will it affect us?

Conflict may not always be on a conscious level.  We feel something coming and get anxious.  Things don’t add up.  The first step to finding an answer is to become aware.  The next step is “believing” that a certain answer is true.  If you are still anxious and confused, then obviously you haven’t found the right answer yet.  The third step is “knowing.” There is a difference between believing and knowing.  It will usually take a personal experience to know, so you might have to explore your options to get there.  Clarity will not come from an outside source.  You will have to recognize it from within.  It can be directed from outside, but has to be recognized from inside ourselves.

We will go over and over in our confused minds, trying to make sense out of confusion.  The only sense confusion makes is that it does exists.  Confusion will never make sense, and that’s why it is called confusion.  Confusion disappears with the right question and the right answer.

Perceptions and false conditioning leads to confusion, and wisdom clears confusion.  We need to get comfortable with not knowing until we get more knowledge.  Life is a mystery and we don’t always know everything until it appears in the “now,” in this moment.  The past and the future may not hold the right answer in this present situation.  Many decisions can be changed and altered as you learn.  Deep in your heart, you will usually know what is true for you…the word here is: “you.” Live free as a being and not a slave to the mind’s static.

Confusion is like a cloud.  Remember after the clouds blow away, we see the sun shining brightly.

Have a sunny and cloudless week.

If you wish to reach Nancy Barr:  nancynlbarr@aol.com

From EC in CA
Nancy, I have a question.  My friend tells me that I am co-dependent.  I see myself as giving and caring.  I don’t understand what I am doing wrong and why my friends see me as weak?

I have often said, we take our goodness and use it against ourselves.  This is so true with Co-dependency.  Co-dependency is so widespread, many don’t see (or recognize) Much like your self, those involved see themselves as involved see themselves as caring.  What is wrong with that?  Most of us have a few co-dependent characteristics, but co-dependency is considered a character disorder and brings havoc and pain.  It is often associated with addictions, relationships, and causes.

LOVE IS A CHOICE.

A co-dependent person usually focuses on another person and everyone else but themselves.  Often, a person’s emotional needs were not met when they were a child.  They learned not to focus on their own personal needs.  After a period of time, of being emotionally ignored, they became the care-giver to the needy.

In my case, I was taught from a very young age that it was my duty to make people happy, and to be responsible for others.  I was taught this by my father.  Strange as it sounds, I seemed to fit into that role at a very early age, because of my nurturing nature.  I was not taught how to discern when the role was healthy or unhealthy.  I went for years thinking it was my responsibility to fix other people’s problems, when they asked and sacrifice.  I had a twin bother that had problems, and an emotionally immature mother who had been ignored as a child.  I was given the responsibility to take care of their needs, unfortunately at my expense. (the expense of my own at times).  As I got older, I sought out dysfunctional relationships that needed fixing to prove my worth.  My emotional needs were not met, when I chose the emotionally unavailable, and practiced the theme of love, pain, and desertion.  I did not know how to say “no,” and I did not understand that when it hurt me…I should Stop!  I was selfish in my giving, by not allowing others to give to me.  It was a type of control and an excuse to ignore my own issues.  I became the care-giver, seeking strong men who were in a vulnerable time, and needy, in order to prove my self-worth instead of knowing my self-worth.  Most of this happened in romantic relationships, but there was a current that ran through my life of when to say “no,” and not taking on responsibility that was not mine.  I find my story very common in many of us who are nurturers.

Often the co-dependent will seek out relationships that will satisfy their need for emotional pain.  They will be drawn to the unavailable and unhealthy, who will reject and abandon them.  The co-dependent will be terrified of loss, and will often idealize the person, and do anything to keep someone that they want.  Nothing is too much trouble, too much time or too much expense to help.  They will take the blame, be willing to wait, hope, try harder to please, be desperate to control the relationship, and to secure it with a mask of being helpful.

The outcome of being co-dependent is having unsuccessful relationships, fear, low self-esteem, anger, emptiness, and feeling incomplete.  You start to think that you don’t deserve love and happiness.  You must earn it at your expense, only to find out that you will probably lose it anyway.

Characteristics of Codependency:

.   Making decisions based on other people’s opinion.

.   Being a “people pleaser” and helper, so you will be liked.

.   Concentrating on everyone else and not solving your own problems.

.   Worrying about things that you can’t change.

.   Seeking unstable, unavailable, damaging relationships where there is a lack
of balance of give and take.

.   Feeling an unhealthy responsibility for others.  If that person is an adult
there is likely a control and fear issue.

.   Tormented by the way that things were in a dysfunctional family.

.   Master of denial and repression.

.   Angry and upset when people don’t do what you want them to do.

.   Being involved in activities that take up all of your time and energy,
while ignoring yourself.

Setting Boundaries:  (You may get opposition at first.)

Set a limit by saying “NO.”  Tell the truth: you do not feel led to do what someone else wants you to do.  Know when it is wrong for you.  Explain your boundaries politely and firmly.  Be kind, but firm, for it is up to you to make choices, of what is good for you.  State what you can do, and what  feels right to you.

I am not sure if we always have a choice of who we love, but we definitely have a choice of how we handle it.  The one choice we don’t seem to have is a healthy relationship of loving our self and having self-esteem.

Have a peaceful week and love yourself enough to know yourself.

You can reach Nancy at: nancynlbarr@aol.com

A Man takes his wife to the airport.  On the way to the airport, the wife brings up that she wants to remodel the bedroom.  The conversation moves into an argument about money.  The plane that she is on, crashes and the man is left with his memory of his last thoughts and words before his wife boarded the plane. (Survival Guilt)

A married woman meets an attractive man at work.  He shows her attention and becomes her best friend.  One thing leads to another and, they have an affair.  Her husband finds out and divorces her.  The children get involved and she is left with the consequences of the affair.  (Regret Guilt)

A son and daughter-in-law do not remember his mother’s birthday and the mother is so hurt and upset.  With their busy and stressful life, they forgot the date. (Guilt)

A woman put her trust into a relationship.  All of the red-flags were there, and she was still in denial.  The boyfriend dumps her, but not before she has loaned him a great deal of money, believing that they would be married and it would be an investment to their future. (Regret)

Children are taught that God will punish them if they are not good.  (Shame)

A woman acts out in anger, and embarrasses her friend in front of a lot of people by saying very unkind things.  The woman is sorry, and is left trying to put the relationship back together. (Regret)

We have all made mistakes and errors.  No one goes through this life without making mistakes and errors.  A mistake is a wrong response that you thought about and, realized that it was wrong.  The operative word here is “realized.”  Mistakes can be a wrong action attributed to bad judgment or inattention.  Error is a wrong response because you have no knowledge what the right answer would be.  Error is an outcome of ignorance and inexperience.  The difference between mistake and error is what you know or don’t know before you do the action.

We are often taught that it is not natural to make mistakes or errors.  This thought process is perfectionism.  It leads to a lot of misunderstandings and intolerance.  I believe this planet is a school.  Some might call it cause and effect or karma, where we learn from our mistakes and errors.  The trick is to learn!  Once I figured out I would keep getting the same lesson over and over, only harder, I looked for ways to become a good student.

The obstacle creates an opportunity for us to learn what works or doesn’t work.  If my action did not work, then I need to change something.  If my action works and keeps on working, then great!  If, and when, things change, and what I do no longer works,  then I need to make a different decision.

Making mistakes or errors can lead to an emotional merry-go-round of regret, guilt, and shame.

There is no such thing as life without regret.  Regret can become a burden that interferes with your happiness, and restricts your future.  Regret does identify where you think you made a mistake, but needs to be let go of,  by correcting the action in order to avoid it in the future.

Guilt and shame can be negative, paralyzing thoughts that can actually keep us away from the real purpose of realizing, correcting and, not repeating our mistakes.  Guilt is an outcome of what we do, while shame is an outcome of what we think we are.  If we think we are evil, unworthy, and a bad person, we might suffer from shame.

False guilt can be equally destructive.  False guilt is someone who assumes the position of guilt, when they are not responsible for the action.  Examples may be a trauma survivor, or a child who blames himself for the parents divorce.   There is a difference between guilt and emotional quilt.

If you make a mistake, learn from it and make changes so that you don’t have to repeat it.  Then let go of it.  It is the past.

Apologize as soon as you realize your mistake.  Keep it simple and only what your part was.  Don’t use an apology as a second chance to get the last word in and start the fight all over again.

When someone does something to offend someone or hurt them, and are not sincere, they might as well not waste their time apologizing.  We hear insincere apologies all the time, but it does not erase the karma.  There are those who go to a Higher Source, and repent, instead of going to the person themselves.  That does not work.  Go to the person and apologize, and then to a Higher Source to help you not to do it again.  If the person does not accept your sincere apology, then you have made the effort and let it go.

Have a peaceful and fun week.

You can reach Nancy at: nancynlbarr@aol.com

CSC Las Vegas N.V: Nancy, do you think that people are apathetic and indifferent because of all of the media and fear about 2012, and the Mayan calendar ending?  I am a teacher and many of my students do not think they will live past 2012.

CSC: I do believe that we have a huge problem with apathy, indifference, and complacency in our world today.  The 2012 syndrome, may be part of the cause, and influence some people and especially a young child.  For many people, apathy, complacency, and indifference have become a way of life, and many do not even realize it.  I feel the lack of feeling and caring has caused a dangerous and difficult world to live in.  It depends on how they are used.

Passion is a strong, powerful, and a very intense emotion.  We can feel passion towards a life style, sexual attraction, a pursuit, a cause, a choice such as politics, and for those whom we feel are special to us.  With passion there is a strong desire, enthusiasm, amorous, and focus.  For most of us, passion is a wonderful thing.  It makes us feel alive and “human.”  Without feeling, we would be nothing but a “robot.”

Anything extreme can have a “down-side.”  People can inflict their passion on others.  Passion can be an excuse for self-indulgence and self-destruction.  “Crimes of Passion” are a defense in our court system.  If one puts too much extreme emotion into something, be careful that you are not trespassing, turning people off, using tunnel vision, and avoiding other things that need to be dealt with.

Author unknown:

“The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.”

“The opposite of art is not ugliness, it is indifference.”

“The opposite of faith is not heresy, it is indifference.”

Indifference, apathy, and complacency are similar, because they involve a shut-down of emotions.  Indifference is when a person does not care what someone else thinks or does.  Indifference can be both helpful and destructive.

The up-side of indifference is that it allows us to step back temporarily and take a clear look at the situation, without being overly emotional.  It would be impossible if we were emotionally charged with everyone.  We would be unable to focus and prioritize by being too divided.

Indifference can kill a relationship.  Relationships can survive a lot of obstacles, but when a relationship gets to auto-pilot and disinterest, it is difficult to recover.  The indifference hurts because one or both no longer care.  If you are committed, you can survive. There is little arguing, communication, or getting involved with each other’s day, because the person just doesn’t care anymore.  That is a difficult concept to grasp.  How can someone stop caring about me, or how can a parent or child not care about one another?  When emotions shut down, it happens.  If we can catch it soon enough, it is possible to save the relationship.

Apathy and complacency is when we lack enthusiasm, passion, and, interest.

Samael Aun Weor wrote:  “The crime of complacency is not what evil was done, but the good things that were not done.”

There is so much happening in our world today.  It is difficult to digest all of it.  Apathy and complacency are everywhere.  People are burned out at work, and have lost their enthusiasm.  Those who do not have work are struggling not to give up.  Some people have been spoiled and have taken things for granted.  There are companies and businesses that are complacent about safety.  There are companies, governments and groups that have no sense of caring or concern for people.  They care only about their own agendas.  You can walk into restaurants, casinos, almost any service provider, and get halfhearted service–no matter what the price is.  Apathy is in our schools.  Young people sometimes lack interest in receiving an education today, while teachers and administrators are trying to work around all of the mandates that have been given to them.   Schools, prisons, and many service providers, have become a business, where heart of service is replaced by greed.

I could not tell you on a daily basis how many of our soldiers have given up their lives, or how many injuries have taken place.  I pray for them every morning, but one could barely understand what they and their families go through upon their return.

When emotion is absent, there may be animation…empty words and no real caring.  Many are depressed and are dealing with the feeling of futility.

There are some people who are creatively trying to make a difference for the good of this world.  When they go to bed at night, someone, somewhere was glad that person woke-up and made a difference in their life that day.  More people are caring about others, and today they are believing that action does speak louder than words.

Who knows what your contribution is today.  Indifference, apathy, and complacency can be more dangerous than anger and hatred.  At least with the last two, you still have feelings which show you care.

Have a peaceful and caring week.

To reach Nancy Barr:  nancynlbarr@aol.com

A friend of mine went to her computer only to find that her boyfriend did not sign off after using it.  She had been obsessed with what he was doing, and where he was, when he was not with her.  She could not control the temptation of a search through his e-mails.  She found that he had signed up on a dating site.  After reading all of the e-mails and chat messages, she made a decision to “protect” him from these “wicked women,” who were not good for him.  After all, she loved him.  She wrote all of his contacts on the e-mail list, stating he was not interested at this time, and that he was in a serious relationship he wanted to explore.

There are many cell phones checked for revealing messages that would support a jealous person’s fear of possible infidelity.

A child sits at the table watching all of those who used to pay attention to him, now paying attention to his newborn brother. The child secretly hates his baby brother, and these uncomfortable feelings mount into sibling rivalry.

A husband senses a change in his wife’s behavior and repeatedly accuses her of cheating.  He becomes obsessed with her whereabouts.

Another person I know was having a fling with a married man.  She became jealous when his wife was scheduled to come to the condo in Florida, where she had been staying with him.  She was expected to leave.  Before her departure, she placed a few sexy articles where she knew the wife would find them.

A co-worker gets all of the praise and attention for the same work you believe you do better.  You’re afraid she is going to take your clients, and get the promotion you deserve.

Jealousy could be thought of as a warning for something that needs to be fixed, protected, or as a sign of love.  We often confuse jealousy and envy as the same thing, but they are slightly different.

Jealousy is a fear of loss, real or imagined, and a hatred towards that which threatens what you believe is yours.

Havelock Ellis describes jealousy as, “The dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.” Anyone who has read Shakespeare’s Othello knows that he murdered his wife in the belief of unfaithful accusations of infidelity.  Lope de Vega writes, “There is no greater glory than love, nor any greater punishment than jealousy.”

Jealousy is one of the worst and most uncomfortable emotions that creates an environment of destruction.  Under the spell of jealousy, we may do dangerous and “stupid” things.  With jealousy we feel suspicion, anger, fear of loss, sadness, uncertainty, loneliness, distrust, anxiety, lack of being loved, insecurity, hatred and attachment.  Often, it is based on fantasy not facts.  When we are too demanding, controlling, fearful, needy, and lack self-esteem, it sets the scene for vulnerability.  When hatred and fear mix together, there is trouble.

Envy is when I want something that someone else has, and I am afraid I cannot have it for myself. Emotions may start with envy and move into jealousy.

Envy is a feeling of inferiority, longing, resentment, ill-will, guilt, desire, rivalry, selfishness, and disapproval.  You may want what someone else has, and you do not have the self-esteem and confidence to manifest it for yourself.  “The have and the have nots syndrome”

Many are confused about why people are jealous and envious of them.  “Why do you want to hate me?”  Some people may even choose to give up to avoid other people’s jealousy and envy.  That solution will not work for long.

So, what is the solution?  Develop self-esteem.  Find a way of letting go of past painful experiences that are re-running through your life now and influencing you in a negative way.  Realize it is the past and today is a new day.  Don’t let your imagination and fantasy lead you to unproven and false conclusions.  Communicate with the person and face the situation directly before it gets out-of-hand.  Recognize what you are doing and how you are living your life.  Sense the pain of fear and loss, and then deal with those feelings in a healthy way.  Shift from fear to self-improvement.  Build trust.
Instead of burning candles and casting spells to get the person back, develop yourself so he, or she, wants you back.  Think twice before you set someone up to be jealous or to get attention. It could very well backfire.

Why would I want someone who does not want me?  Why would I want to obligate someone to love me?  If someone does not teach and reflect back to me that I matter, then I need to find someone who does.

Have a peaceful and loving week.

If you wish to reach Nancy Barr :  nancynlbarr@aol.com